channeling my Carrie

I'm gonna go, I am going to say goodbye for the new hellos. It's so incredibly hard to be honest with myself sometimes, and just rest in the faith that I should have in myself. It's hard to stand up for what I want and shut the door to meaningless, half-hearted, one-sided, respect-less relationships. Especially because I am not lacking in love; I have so many loving humans in my life.

I'm in St. Louis now, and excited for this day to commence. I spent last night alone in a local Applebee's watching the Lakers vs Warriors game, eating an odd meal of steamed broccoli and two side salads, because there is not much else I can eat at Applebee's 

Then I sipped a vodka cranberry and read Breakfast At Tiffany's while people ate and laughed and screamed all around me. There was a man sitting behind me who was extremely rude to his son, commanding him to stop crying

And it just broke my heart too much so I had to leave. 

But until that moment, as I chewed on the broccoli, I remember feeling just, at ease with everything. I feel like I've grown up really terrified of happiness, and I get really scared when I really like a potential research mentor or a potential training program or a potential romantic partner 

I freak out and sometimes I self sabotage because I sometimes wonder if I deserve to feel happy 

But I'm trying to just step outside myself a little bit. Just watch myself watch LeBron and Stephen gracefully maneuver their bodies around each other, just watch myself pour hot water into the coffee machine for a decaf cup of coffee to accompany me as I watch Sex and The City reruns 

Just watch myself watch everything unfold

And not hold on so tightly 

I feel like I tighten my grip out of fear that I'm not good enough to get where I want to be 

And I need to just have faith in my life 

All the times I didn't get what I thought I wanted, I always always got something better

And I am going to just blindly have faith that that happens again

And just like that...

She said goodbye, hoping to say hello again