Kalank
We shall call her Billie Pilgrim
We officially graduated yesterday, and this is my last Sunday as a non-medical student, non-post doc since tomorrow I'm starting back in lab as a post-doc for the next six months as I wait patiently for my future to be decided, for someone to trust me to take care of their people
"Former US President Abraham Lincoln, who was widely considered to be an unattractive man, charmed people with his lack of vanity and pretension. His law partner wrote: 'He was not a pretty man, by any means, nor was he an ugly one; he was a homely man, careless of his looks, plain-looking and plain-acting. He had no pomp, display or dignity, so-called. He was a sad-looking man...His apparent gloom impressed his friends and created sympathy for him -- one means of his great success. He was gloomy, abstract and joyous.' "
And I want to take care of them. I want to know them, I want to love them, seriously
I want to hold someone's hand and feel everything
I've always been a little obsessed with charm and grace, and what makes some people irresistible, because I think it speaks to our social fabric and the malleable fabric of what we, as society, find attractive
And it sounds vain, and silly and not worth my time but seriously, I was listening to a conversation between Trevor Noah and Roger Federer yesterday and Trevor was telling Roger that Roger is so graceful and charming and exudes this sort of calm, inviting energy that just draws people in. He said Roger has the ability to make people just let down their guard and tell him everything.
In the meantime, these 6 months are probably a great opportunity to examine all of my individual neurotic obsessions with human behavior and the peculiarities of things that unnecessarily ail us
Well, all the things that ail me, I guess.
I've been settling into this routine of waking up, meditating, playing the Wicked soundtrack while I brew my coffee and contemplate the day
I absolutely love Cynthia Erivo's voice; I wish I could bottle it up and put it in my pocket and take it everywhere with me
It's really foreign to not have to rush to get dressed and leave the apartment to run to the hospital in time
It's really foreign to not have to rush to get dressed and leave the apartment to run to the hospital in time
And I know this time is so impermanent, since the early mornings and late nights will be my life (hopefully) for the next 4 years so I am trying to just surrender to the quiet of it all
But it's so strange how each morning it'll be a different thing, a different worry that hooks me in
In a sort of curious way, not in like an all-consuming, paralyzing way (which was the case for most of the past several months I think)
In a sort of curious way, not in like an all-consuming, paralyzing way (which was the case for most of the past several months I think)
I've always been a little obsessed with charm and grace, and what makes some people irresistible, because I think it speaks to our social fabric and the malleable fabric of what we, as society, find attractive
And it sounds vain, and silly and not worth my time but seriously, I was listening to a conversation between Trevor Noah and Roger Federer yesterday and Trevor was telling Roger that Roger is so graceful and charming and exudes this sort of calm, inviting energy that just draws people in. He said Roger has the ability to make people just let down their guard and tell him everything.
Roger kinda chuckles in a helpless sort of way. You can almost hear him wishing that this wasn't the case, that he doesn't want to be the guy who hears every stranger's odd life story, every stranger's odd neuroses
BUT I DO
I want people to tell me their stories. Like who wouldnt?! Why are we so obsessed with movies and musicals and sitcoms; I think we all want to know each other's stories
I think we all secretly, subconsciously just want a long hug and a long conversation
I read this NYTimes article today about how Hollywood is embracing the thin, lanky masculine aesthetic now:
"It would be a stretch to say the hunk is dead — there are still many fan pages devoted to Jeremy Allen White in his Calvins. But there is clearly an appetite for male stars who don’t look as if they could crush a car with their bare hands. With their concave chests and noodley arms, these men look a little awkward and, most of all, vulnerable.
“It’s a quieter kind of brooding masculinity,” said Drew Ayers, associate professor of film at Eastern Washington University who has written extensively about the beefed-up look of action stars going back to before the Marvel moment. “It’s less in your face and assertive.”
I think this is emblematic of a collective frustration with the lack of fragility, the hiding of flaws, this obsessive need to optimize in every way. I am so pleased with this sudden burgeoning interest in mental health and mindfulness and learning how to be more present
But it kinda flies in the face of everything people actually DO after sitting with their guided meditation apps for 10 minutes in the morning
It feels weird to hear Ariana Grande sometimes talk about body positivity, considering that it is a little bit scary how much weight she and Cynthia have lost over the course of three years. It feels strange to think about how much work it takes for some people to look the way they do, and to celebrate particular bodies and aesthetic ideals in one season, and switch to celebrating something else in another season
It's really odd to be a human person in this society that judges people so harshly, so quickly
After S and I broke up I waited for a while to go back on a dating app. To invite a level of scrutiny into my life again. To be aware of men I had never met, looking at my likeness and deciding if I was pretty enough to touch in real life
I think some part of me really hates that I ever went back on them, even if it was for a very brief moment. I had a conversation with someone recently that made me want to crawl inside my skin and stay there for a long time. Just this phrase he threw in, a weird jab at us having been intimate
in my head, this was the first person I had actually really really liked since S
in my head, this was the first person I had actually really really liked since S
it was just weird, I just felt very reduced to a body, to this hobby, to this thing that this person did just to do
I think attractiveness is vulnerability, no matter what size a person is. I think it's kindness, and I think it's grace and charm.
In all honesty, I really don't think it's just what you look like. There's this sort of calmness, this sort of full acceptance of flaws and imperfections and the roughness and the bumps and the weirdness
it's when people are unapologetically weird and odd and imperfect, THATS when they're the most charming and the most beautiful
"Former US President Abraham Lincoln, who was widely considered to be an unattractive man, charmed people with his lack of vanity and pretension. His law partner wrote: 'He was not a pretty man, by any means, nor was he an ugly one; he was a homely man, careless of his looks, plain-looking and plain-acting. He had no pomp, display or dignity, so-called. He was a sad-looking man...His apparent gloom impressed his friends and created sympathy for him -- one means of his great success. He was gloomy, abstract and joyous.' "
- Julia Baird
I also recently realized that two of my favorite books, The Complete Persepolis by Marji Satrapi and Tweak by Nic Sheff are banned in Florida?!!?! What on earth is happening
So so so so so ridiculous
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