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this has been one of the loveliest Christmases 

in between very confusing conversations about AI and AGI and improving breast cancer diagnosis and entanglement and quantum computing and other things I just simply cannot wrap my mind around

with very smart indian uncles who all seem to love telling me everything they know and who patiently answer all of my absolutely inane questions 

in between glasses of cranberry vodkas and a bunch of kids explaining Home Alone to each other 

and an honestly decent but not amazing Beyonce half-time show

And all the Indian women telling each other about how the art of Sari draping has in and of itself fundamentally changed what it means to be a modern woman 

And how back in the day you'd wrap yourself for practicality and not male consumption

The adorable little dog sitting in my lap and keeping me warm, inside and outside 

My parents are still not home, but I spent all day with my family 

They're not blood but they also practically raised me in this tiny little town, took care of me every time we had a crisis 

I really hope I find some semblance of this in my next city

It's even more pressure now, because they are all so sweet and kind and proud of me and I feel like...

Still so so far from having done anything 

There's this massive pit in my stomach and so many thoughts of just not being enough, not having done enough, not being good enough, not deserving enough

I don't know, idk how much you have to do to run away from yourself sometimes 

It's especially hard when you have people who love you and you're like "ahhhh idk if I am worthy of your love at this moment, I am a little bit of a nothing currently, I have no idea what will happen to me in 3 months and it's absolutely killing me"

But I did have a lovely lovely day