road trip

It is thundering and lightning outside and the dead middle of the night and I cannot sleep 

I was in a bit of a scary situation this last weekend so I'm genuinely here just thankful to be alive 

But also deeply questioning exactly what I want from life

Celebrated a very very close friends birthday and pregnancy reveal this weekend, and as usual was the only single person in the group and everyone was so incredibly kind and welcoming that it really didn't matter all that much

Until it ended 

And I have this pit in my stomach, this fear that I'll never have what they have 

And sure it sounds desperate and needy

But to have someone love you, and think about your well-being 

Isn't that the most beautiful thing

Also I saw Wicked and Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande are phenomenal

Jonathan Bailey makes you want to melt into your seat and stop time for a little while 

anyways 

Happy Thanksgiving to future me, you'll look back on this time and feel like it was all worth it

The loneliness, the sheer anxiety, the working stupid hours

My dad told me the story of our very first Thanksgiving in the US, we moved here in October 23 years ago, and that following November my dad, his two friends and I piled into an SUV and drove up to Grand Isles to explore the new country and the new traditions

We had never heard of Thanksgiving and kind of assumed it would be a great fun party, especially so close to the water, so close to a port city

It was completely desolate, wherever we went

I remember very little about that trip except that every place was closed, it felt like no one lived there and I desperately had to pee

I remember we walked around, me--the 7 year old nerd, and three Indian men walking around like we were exploring Mars or something 

And then we just plopped back into the SUV and drove the long way back

I didn't know exactly what Thanksgiving meant back then, I didn't realize the emphasis on family, chosen or biological, 

I didn't realize that this was less about partying and more about holding people that you love really really close to your chest

But I remember that I loved being with my dad and his friends 

Even in Abu Dhabi, I'd go hang out with him and his best friend in Swagat restaurant every Saturday morning 

They had their little weekly man date but I went too

Just because in my mind, my dad was the coolest, most hilarious, most joyful man I knew 

The one that taught me about love and being there for your people 

So happy happy Happy Thanksgiving to that seven year old girl and her dad and his friends on the most random road trip of the history of road trips

Cuz sometimes I want to speed right through it all and I have to remind myself to slow down