swimming

It looks so peaceful above water

But I'm actually pedalling furiously 

What's underneath it all

You'll probably never know 

Because I have no clue myself

At what level are we driven by ego, when making decisions about our lives and futures

At what point do we realize that some people are just really good at being likeable and charismatic for moments in time, but are ultimately terrible for your mental well being 

Everyone says that if you don't have a good answer for WHY you like someone, it's a major major red flag

And I feel like I've been trying to apply this advice in my love life and in my professional life 

Like WHY do I want to end up at that coveted dream program 

Who and what makes me feel most at home

What even is home

Peace and calm and safety and security

A certain level of honesty and purity 

I was mildly annoyed when I got this text today from this guy I had dated a long time ago 

I feel like I've been trying to put myself and my long term happiness first, and stop chasing momentary rushes of pleasure

And I don't know when I became this person that allows men to treat her like she's disposable 

I get it, it's my fault also

Like I've also probably presented myself in a way that opens the door to odd and confused and selfish men

And it's on me

If I want a stable, secure human I also need to just get my life together a little bit 

And paddle like crazy, just to glide with a little more grace