what a roller coaster

The past several days have been so confusing, and such an emotional roller coaster for me. One massive professional accomplishment followed by finding out about a previous lover's possible infidelity, and just the number of emotions that come with that realization even though it's been long enough that this person is completely out of my heart, but still it makes me question my worth in a very strange way

was it my body, was it my face, was it the way I looked at him, or the way i called him just to hear his voice, the way i made him say certain words over and over again because they sounded like candy

was it that i didn't want to sacrifice my body for his dreams, was it that i wanted a future of my own

Christine told me the other day that sometimes we are not deformed pots that can be reformed, we are pots that never even looked like pots to begin with. Like someone may have just forgotten to fully shape us when we were spinning on the wheel

I don't know why it hurt so much, even though he isn't even in my life anymore. I don't know why I looked her up, and saw that she was beautiful and smart and kind. I don't know why it mattered that I knew her, and that I, too, had admired her from afar for how confident she was, and how she carried herself with grace.

I don't know why I feel nothing for him, for her even. I don't know why I'm not angry. I think they are a much better match than he and I ever were. But I wish I knew before he had decided.

I cannot ever picture myself with a man like him again, I cannot picture myself crying on my bathroom floor night after night waiting to feel something, anything, waiting to feel loved

I am so tired

I am supposed to be feeling the most confident in myself like right about now. I am supposed to be at the peak of my game, getting ready for interviews, telling people about everything I've sacrificed to get to this point in my life

My pot is supposed to be so full right now, but I don't know why I feel so empty sometimes. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why did I ever date him

I don't know if things happen for a reason; sometimes I think they just happen. But as human beings, we are such natural story tellers that I think we find some level of comfort in explaining all the unexplainable things that do happen to us. The heartbreaks, the betrayals, the love, the sadness, the hurt

I sometimes wonder how I let myself love, over and over again, just to be so disappointed.

I keep trying to protect myself, but honestly there are days when I want to just curl up in a ball, wrap myself in a blanket, and cry myself to sleep.

I'm so exhausted with having to convince myself that I'm worthy of someone who will love me.