ANOTHER WEDNESDAY NIGHT
I HAVE SO MUCH ANXIETY AND CANNOT SLEEP SO I RANDOMLY SING TWO DIFFERENT SONGS IN THE SHOWER UNTIL THEY SOUND LIKE THEY COULD MAYBE BE ONE
I think it's the anxiety about this whole interview process that's making everything feel that much more difficult though....I was taking an evening stroll earlier today in the park outside my apartment and I thought I saw my ex and his new girlfriend, and I felt immediately nauseous and ran away, down a different path to look at them from afar, and it wasn't them
I want to start my new chapter already, when will it come
this is completely the antithesis of being happy in the present moment though, I am supposed to be reveling in the process and enjoying all of this, and enjoying becoming a better version of myself but why why why is it so hard sometimes
yules sent me the kindest text today:
I feel really confused sometimes, when it comes to handling uncertainty. Am I supposed to focus on the present so that the future doesn't scare me as much, and the past stops haunting me
Or am I supposed to focus on the the past, to learn from my mistakes and focus on the future to know what I'm supposed to be doing to be heading to a good one
I feel like part of the reason I like working a lot is because it gives me a sense of control; I like really busy work days, I like really really busy days in the hospital, I like coming home feeling like there's nothing else I could have given of myself at work, and lately I feel like I've had way too much time to be anxious and think about problems in my past that I should no longer concern myself with
Or am I supposed to focus on the the past, to learn from my mistakes and focus on the future to know what I'm supposed to be doing to be heading to a good one
I feel like part of the reason I like working a lot is because it gives me a sense of control; I like really busy work days, I like really really busy days in the hospital, I like coming home feeling like there's nothing else I could have given of myself at work, and lately I feel like I've had way too much time to be anxious and think about problems in my past that I should no longer concern myself with
I think it's the anxiety about this whole interview process that's making everything feel that much more difficult though....I was taking an evening stroll earlier today in the park outside my apartment and I thought I saw my ex and his new girlfriend, and I felt immediately nauseous and ran away, down a different path to look at them from afar, and it wasn't them
I want to start my new chapter already, when will it come
this is completely the antithesis of being happy in the present moment though, I am supposed to be reveling in the process and enjoying all of this, and enjoying becoming a better version of myself but why why why is it so hard sometimes
yules sent me the kindest text today:
"We do this for ourselves. We know what we want, we worked hard for it, we will put our best feet forward and continue. Because we are our own best supporters. No one else. Motivation is not sustainable. Discipline is. And low mood and imposter syndrome cannot dictate what you do or how you react anymore. Take care of that little girl inside you who has big dreams and has her place where she's supposed to be in life."
so i'm gonna tuck her in goodnight now, and dream good things, and wake up and try again
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