worth

 this is another edition of "am i burnt out or will I get my period tomorrow"

My sister said she really loved my personal statement, which is honestly really high praise because she is extremely hard to impress. 

almost every personal statement/essay I write is centered around my mother. and it's hard for anyone other than my sister to really understand our childhood and why we both ended up the way we ended up

it's a weird combination of mild distrust, but also a deep longing to feel safe

I think we both adapted in very different ways. She's fiercely independent (maybe to protect herself from ever being disappointed by someone), and I'm constantly looking for something outside of myself (maybe to feel worthy of existing)

Days like this are weirdly beautiful. I'm so burnt out from thinking about applications, and studying for clinic, working on this paper. I'm mentally a little bit fried.

But it's that feeling you get after you've run a 5K in really horrible weather and you're just happy to be home in air conditioning 
That feeling of welcoming rest, and quiet
The in-between pauses are really beautiful
when you haven't processed what just happened to you, and the anxiety of the future hasn't set in yet
when you can just sit in a beautiful cafe in beautiful weather and look at beautiful people walk by

when you can just sit and be still for a moment

maybe it's okay to not know if my existence was worth it, worth everything that my mom went through
maybe the only way to feel like it was all for the best, is to do everything I can to love this existence for what its worth