Hello again goodbye

It's been a while hasn't it?

I'm always nervous to say this because it's sounds so stupid and cliche, but seriously, this blog has been very therapeutic for me. 2018 started out as one of the worst years of my life, and things didn't start to feel better until just a few months ago. But I'm not here to tell you about it because honestly it's not a very interesting story, and please.....self-pity is SO 2018.

I came across this quote by Sam Laura Brown this morning:

"You create self confidence by doing instead of procrastinating, doing instead of over-planning, doing instead of self-sabotaging, doing instead of complaining, doing instead of feeling sorry for yourself." 

For the past few months I have grappled with an indisposed sense of self confidence, precisely because I procrastinate, over-plan, self-sabotage and feel sorry for myself. I am also very impatient, and rather sensitive. 

I've thought a lot about biological underpinnings of my personality...and how this may just be something I have to struggle with indefinitely. I have a family history of schizophrenia, anorexia and depression....and perhaps these delusions and ruminations are products of aberrant signaling pathways I've inherited from my predecessors. 

But whatever it is, this blog has always been a witness to it all. I mean if you think about it, who knows more about you than your gadgets? My blog hears it all, whether or not I hit the publish button. My browser knows everything I've googled at every hour of the day....and if I had an Alexa....I'm sure she'd be subject to all the songs I've sung off-key and off-pitch several hundred times, before just giving up. 

So before I embark on yet another year of hopefully less misery, and a lot more tangible productivity, I just want to say thank you. To this blog, and to whoever makes the unlucky mistake of landing on this blog.

It has truly been a hell of a year, in every sense of the word. So hello again, goodbye. Goodbye to that one failed relationship that I can barely remember now, goodbye to that miserable period of cramming for STEP, and goodbye to the long cries in the shower...contemplating the value of my very existence.

Hello again, goodbye. This time, I mean it.