There is still this weird idea that holds me hostage--that I'll emerge from the end of all of this labor, uninspired and filled with regret. I am always amazed when people know exactly what they want from life--I feel like my dreams change night to day, week to week and so I sit here not knowing what I seek
What is it that I seek from this cacophony we call life
filled with trials and heartbreak and nothing that is right
There are days when I wonder if I could go back in time
and take a few more dance classes, oh wouldn't that be nice
I am jealous of people who know exactly what they want from life. I'm frustrated that my own desires scurry around like little pearls that scatter everywhere when you drop the necklace on the floor
I feel like my mind runs a million miles per hour, and then just doesn't run at all. I waste so much energy reliving horrible memories, that it's really taking a toll on my mental health and stability.
But I'm not supposed to say these things out loud. I feel the need to be this incredibly focused and driven person just grateful for the opportunities that have been bestowed upon me.
And don't get me wrong, I AM. I just can't help but acknowledge that this rat race that we subject ourselves to often leads to disillusionment, boredom and the pathological search for validation from people and objects and experiences that do NOTHING for our personal growth.
Honestly, when I am the least happy--it is often because I am bored and end up sucking myself into this rabbit hole of rumination, self-pity and thoughts of hopelessness.
Thoughts of just giving it all up.
There are days when I feel like an absolute impostor--someone who's cheated herself into this league of incredibly brilliant and capable people. I feel like the grotesque geek child who got to sit with the cool kids at recess only because the principal felt sorry for her and decided that she need some company while she gnawed away at her insipid sandwich.
I feel lost, stuck, gross and icky.
I keep waiting for this epiphany to hit. For some overnight miracle to transform me into this robot that cares about nothing that doesn't matter. Some robot that has no feelings at all--someone who isn't hurt and sad and lonely, a robot who feels like life is worth only for professional success, a robot that discounts the importance of love and personal connection and feeling cared about
I want to stop caring
about people that have made my life a living hell
about the way my body looks and moves
about the life that I could be living
about the life that I should be living
the thoughts that I should be having
I'm honestly just sick of it all
What is it that I seek from this cacophony we call life
filled with trials and heartbreak and nothing that is right
There are days when I wonder if I could go back in time
and take a few more dance classes, oh wouldn't that be nice
I am jealous of people who know exactly what they want from life. I'm frustrated that my own desires scurry around like little pearls that scatter everywhere when you drop the necklace on the floor
I feel like my mind runs a million miles per hour, and then just doesn't run at all. I waste so much energy reliving horrible memories, that it's really taking a toll on my mental health and stability.
But I'm not supposed to say these things out loud. I feel the need to be this incredibly focused and driven person just grateful for the opportunities that have been bestowed upon me.
And don't get me wrong, I AM. I just can't help but acknowledge that this rat race that we subject ourselves to often leads to disillusionment, boredom and the pathological search for validation from people and objects and experiences that do NOTHING for our personal growth.
Honestly, when I am the least happy--it is often because I am bored and end up sucking myself into this rabbit hole of rumination, self-pity and thoughts of hopelessness.
Thoughts of just giving it all up.
There are days when I feel like an absolute impostor--someone who's cheated herself into this league of incredibly brilliant and capable people. I feel like the grotesque geek child who got to sit with the cool kids at recess only because the principal felt sorry for her and decided that she need some company while she gnawed away at her insipid sandwich.
I feel lost, stuck, gross and icky.
I keep waiting for this epiphany to hit. For some overnight miracle to transform me into this robot that cares about nothing that doesn't matter. Some robot that has no feelings at all--someone who isn't hurt and sad and lonely, a robot who feels like life is worth only for professional success, a robot that discounts the importance of love and personal connection and feeling cared about
I want to stop caring
about people that have made my life a living hell
about the way my body looks and moves
about the life that I could be living
about the life that I should be living
the thoughts that I should be having
I'm honestly just sick of it all
Comments
Post a Comment