Traffic

Transitions are really hard for me. Decisions too.
It's difficult to live the life of a perpetual nomad in this world--we're all nomads, in this world of constant inconstancy.
Worries, fears, dreams, hopes--everything fluctuates. This mind, this body: I am proud of it one day and despise it the next. Sometimes I wish I didn't inhabit this body, this mind, or this world.

There are seven hundred eggs in eighteen thousand baskets--hard boiled, soft boiled and scrambled with way too much olive oil. There are things that I can't help but think about, things that encroach every corner of my brain when I'm trying to focus.

It's hard to focus.
Everything is blurry, everything is confusing. I don't know what I'm doing and yet I give advice. I want to breathe, I want a vacation from myself.

I can't keep a handle on the boiling contents of this mind.
I don't know why I care, I crave only apathy right now. Apathy, ignorance, naivety, peace.

I wish I could unlearn things, remove figments of my own memory, refuse conversations, refrain from indulgence. I wish I was stronger, more disciplined, and hardened by experience.

I keep living through things thinking they will make me stronger. I keep living todays hoping for better tomorrows, working through an interstate of thoughts trafficked with emotion.

I wish I could just step away from it all.