pandamonium
(when I was little I thought this meant the need for mo pandas)
No matter how hard I try my life keeps defaulting to this state of perpetual chaos. Maybe I should just stop trying. I've spent most of my time in Birmingham wishing for an ideal tomorrow, a more perfect beginning, a new beginning, one that will set the stage for something bigger and better.
I feel like I spend most of my mental energy dreaming up ways to mold myself into someone else, someone picture perfect, perfect on paper and off paper and in the papers, to be honest. I want attention, I want to be amazing, I want to make people proud and flabbergasted at the same time. It sounds foolish, but don't lie to me, you want that too. Everyone wants to be the Taylor Swift, the Michelle Obama, the amazing scientist-doctor who's brilliant but also effortlessly beautiful, both inside and out.
And it's so hard. But maybe that's okay. Maybe being imperfect, letting the world fall flat onto your head and shatter into little pieces on your unkempt kitchen floor is OKAY. maybe it's okay to be so thoroughly lost, frustrated, sleep-deprived and restless.
maybe it's ok to be scared. to be vulnerable, to be scared of the days, the weeks, the YEARS to come.
because this vulnerability makes you human. the picture perfect world of picture perfect people who've seemingly accomplished more in their life than your entire mom's side of the family...that world can only be so interesting. after a while, it falls short.
after a while, you crave that vulnerability, that humanness of the "average Joe" walking down the street. this wasn't on my calendar, I didn't plan to stay up and blog about this. But I waste time. All the time.
But it's okay, I'm only human
I wish I could tell you that my new apartment feels like this:
My First Apartamento: Tavi Gevinson from NOWNESS on Vimeo.
and that I am as happy as these people in this video:
fika: to have coffee • The Ritual • Episode 1/6 from Fabian Schmid on Vimeo.
but alas, my plan has failed.
or maybe it hasn't. maybe nothing ever really succeeds and nothing ever really, truly fails. it's all a game, a wave, constantly in motion, a circle that just keeps going on and on and on....this perpetual cycle of chaos and order and chaos again
and one day, I'll be smart enough to stop trying to change everything
No matter how hard I try my life keeps defaulting to this state of perpetual chaos. Maybe I should just stop trying. I've spent most of my time in Birmingham wishing for an ideal tomorrow, a more perfect beginning, a new beginning, one that will set the stage for something bigger and better.
I feel like I spend most of my mental energy dreaming up ways to mold myself into someone else, someone picture perfect, perfect on paper and off paper and in the papers, to be honest. I want attention, I want to be amazing, I want to make people proud and flabbergasted at the same time. It sounds foolish, but don't lie to me, you want that too. Everyone wants to be the Taylor Swift, the Michelle Obama, the amazing scientist-doctor who's brilliant but also effortlessly beautiful, both inside and out.
And it's so hard. But maybe that's okay. Maybe being imperfect, letting the world fall flat onto your head and shatter into little pieces on your unkempt kitchen floor is OKAY. maybe it's okay to be so thoroughly lost, frustrated, sleep-deprived and restless.
maybe it's ok to be scared. to be vulnerable, to be scared of the days, the weeks, the YEARS to come.
because this vulnerability makes you human. the picture perfect world of picture perfect people who've seemingly accomplished more in their life than your entire mom's side of the family...that world can only be so interesting. after a while, it falls short.
after a while, you crave that vulnerability, that humanness of the "average Joe" walking down the street. this wasn't on my calendar, I didn't plan to stay up and blog about this. But I waste time. All the time.
But it's okay, I'm only human
I wish I could tell you that my new apartment feels like this:
My First Apartamento: Tavi Gevinson from NOWNESS on Vimeo.
and that I am as happy as these people in this video:
fika: to have coffee • The Ritual • Episode 1/6 from Fabian Schmid on Vimeo.
but alas, my plan has failed.
or maybe it hasn't. maybe nothing ever really succeeds and nothing ever really, truly fails. it's all a game, a wave, constantly in motion, a circle that just keeps going on and on and on....this perpetual cycle of chaos and order and chaos again
and one day, I'll be smart enough to stop trying to change everything
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