No big deal
I came across a few pages from my half-assed attempt at journaling during my junior year of college ....about one and a half years ago. I couldn't even get through three pages without tossing it away in disgust. Sometimes I wonder if people read these blog posts and feel the same way: who is this pathetic, privileged, whiny weirdo parading her bruised ego around?
Why do we make such a big fuss about kids doing what they're supposed to be doing? Writing papers, studying for tests, taking tests, and faking success? Why is #eightypages #honorsthesis #sodone proudly plastered all over my Facebook newsfeed? Why do people care enough to post pictures and pictures of themselves with a biochem textbook in hand under the harsh fluorescent lighting, chillin in the library at 3:30 AM? The bags under their eyes: silent trophies, battle wounds, even.
I understand that we will look back on these moments with a cozy feeling of nostalgia one day in the future, wishing to be back in school, reminiscing fondly about these very nights, but for now we are amongst hundreds of thousands of souls studying for their last undergraduate finals. It isn't as big a deal as we make it out to be.
"I was crying all day about the Physics test. I just can't believe I screwed up so badly. People in the library must've thought I was sobbing about breaking up with some boyfriend of five years or something. Neha saw me crying too, and tried to console me. I just don't know what I am going to do. this is the end i think?" - yours truly, circa 2014
Like OH MY GOSH Shreya, you will be fine, please wipe these silly, selfish tears and understand that Dr. Davis does not want you to live in a box under the interstate, unless we are talking about a hypothetical scenario and this box is actually a pendulum hanging from one side of the highway and he wants you to calculate its momentum at some given point in time.
We make SUCH A BIG DEAL about tests, and honor thesises, and papers and presentations and birthdays and proms and graduations. We celebrate everything from the first day of school to getting an A on that chemistry test to someone's 5.675 month anniversary with their college sweetheart. And I'm not going to lie--I love having reasons to be happy, to be merry....to stop and smell the magnolias. But no, I am not going to celebrate every single milestone in my life, because I'm not really even sure if these are truly milestones.
Everyone is super excited about graduating college, and I commend the class of 2016 for their accomplishments and hard work. I could not be more excited for or proud of my friends who are going off to do amazing, unbelievably noble things with their lives. But I don't know that I'm worthy enough for the elaborate celebrations attributed to this concept of "graduation." Yes, this is the culmination of four very formidable years of my life, probably the most influential and ridiculously invigorating years of my life. But sometimes, it feels embarrassing to be celebrated in this manner, with this much pomp and vigor. I enjoy a good party. I just, I don't know, something doesn't sit well with me. I hope I don't sound cynical.
Am I supposed to be proud of myself for completing the four years of undergraduate education that my parents paid for? Am I supposed to be proud of myself for finally understanding that there is more to life than Vogue, Bollywood movies and Facebook? This is just something I was supposed to do, and in fact, I enjoyed it so much, that the proud smiles on my professors' faces are literally all I need. The warm hugs from friends I am going to miss dearly. The cleaning lady asking me about my day for the very very last time.
I don't neeeed fancy dinners and lunches and $400 graduation photos in the park, I don't deserve all of that. Not until I win my Grammy and make it to the Ellen Show anyways.
I feel so raw, so unpolished, so unworthy still, of the accolades, the applause, the incredibly sweet speeches and innumerable photographs.
I am thankful yes, but slightly embarrassed. I am not the person that I want to be yet, I have so so much room to grow. I want to stand on my own two feet, I want to be more unselfish, more in tune with the world around me. I want to feel like I'm actually making something of myself, do you see what I'm saying? I am thankful for all that these past four years have taught me, but I don't think I deserve this party just yet. Hold the champagne, unless it's for that 5.6899645788 month anniversary.
Kidding kidding, I'll drink the champagne, of course I'll drink the champagne. I'll take the casual cellphone pictures too and smile as big as I can. I just cannot bring myself to go crazy over this, because come on people, we still have so much to learn before declaring that "we are ready to face the real world."
Literally last week, I thought the real world was not wanting to drink after taking a brutally intense final exam. I think it's safe to say that we aren't as amazing as our instant-celebratory-Facebook-statuses make us out to be. Enjoy this day with your friends and families, but know that there are so many brilliant children across the world who deserve these awards and festivities and so so much more.
It is 100% true, we are successfully leaving our undergraduate lives behind and wearing our new hats, adding a few more weights on our shoulders. And we are pretty legit, but not yet Obamas or Ellens or Taylor Swifts. I don't think partying it up extra hard to celebrate that which seems to be a normal rite of passage in other countries is a measure of how much I value my education. What I do with my degree, how hard I work to make use of this degree--that, is how I'll show people that I value my education.
Dear Ego, I don't care if you're bruised...I don't have the time or energy to carry you on my shoulder anymore. Today, and forever, I just want to wear my heart on my sleeve as I climb up that ever-so-steep mountain. Climbing high and higher, but still trying desperately hard to stay close to earth.
Why do we make such a big fuss about kids doing what they're supposed to be doing? Writing papers, studying for tests, taking tests, and faking success? Why is #eightypages #honorsthesis #sodone proudly plastered all over my Facebook newsfeed? Why do people care enough to post pictures and pictures of themselves with a biochem textbook in hand under the harsh fluorescent lighting, chillin in the library at 3:30 AM? The bags under their eyes: silent trophies, battle wounds, even.
I understand that we will look back on these moments with a cozy feeling of nostalgia one day in the future, wishing to be back in school, reminiscing fondly about these very nights, but for now we are amongst hundreds of thousands of souls studying for their last undergraduate finals. It isn't as big a deal as we make it out to be.
"I was crying all day about the Physics test. I just can't believe I screwed up so badly. People in the library must've thought I was sobbing about breaking up with some boyfriend of five years or something. Neha saw me crying too, and tried to console me. I just don't know what I am going to do. this is the end i think?" - yours truly, circa 2014
Like OH MY GOSH Shreya, you will be fine, please wipe these silly, selfish tears and understand that Dr. Davis does not want you to live in a box under the interstate, unless we are talking about a hypothetical scenario and this box is actually a pendulum hanging from one side of the highway and he wants you to calculate its momentum at some given point in time.
We make SUCH A BIG DEAL about tests, and honor thesises, and papers and presentations and birthdays and proms and graduations. We celebrate everything from the first day of school to getting an A on that chemistry test to someone's 5.675 month anniversary with their college sweetheart. And I'm not going to lie--I love having reasons to be happy, to be merry....to stop and smell the magnolias. But no, I am not going to celebrate every single milestone in my life, because I'm not really even sure if these are truly milestones.
Everyone is super excited about graduating college, and I commend the class of 2016 for their accomplishments and hard work. I could not be more excited for or proud of my friends who are going off to do amazing, unbelievably noble things with their lives. But I don't know that I'm worthy enough for the elaborate celebrations attributed to this concept of "graduation." Yes, this is the culmination of four very formidable years of my life, probably the most influential and ridiculously invigorating years of my life. But sometimes, it feels embarrassing to be celebrated in this manner, with this much pomp and vigor. I enjoy a good party. I just, I don't know, something doesn't sit well with me. I hope I don't sound cynical.
Am I supposed to be proud of myself for completing the four years of undergraduate education that my parents paid for? Am I supposed to be proud of myself for finally understanding that there is more to life than Vogue, Bollywood movies and Facebook? This is just something I was supposed to do, and in fact, I enjoyed it so much, that the proud smiles on my professors' faces are literally all I need. The warm hugs from friends I am going to miss dearly. The cleaning lady asking me about my day for the very very last time.
I don't neeeed fancy dinners and lunches and $400 graduation photos in the park, I don't deserve all of that. Not until I win my Grammy and make it to the Ellen Show anyways.
I feel so raw, so unpolished, so unworthy still, of the accolades, the applause, the incredibly sweet speeches and innumerable photographs.
I am thankful yes, but slightly embarrassed. I am not the person that I want to be yet, I have so so much room to grow. I want to stand on my own two feet, I want to be more unselfish, more in tune with the world around me. I want to feel like I'm actually making something of myself, do you see what I'm saying? I am thankful for all that these past four years have taught me, but I don't think I deserve this party just yet. Hold the champagne, unless it's for that 5.6899645788 month anniversary.
Kidding kidding, I'll drink the champagne, of course I'll drink the champagne. I'll take the casual cellphone pictures too and smile as big as I can. I just cannot bring myself to go crazy over this, because come on people, we still have so much to learn before declaring that "we are ready to face the real world."
Literally last week, I thought the real world was not wanting to drink after taking a brutally intense final exam. I think it's safe to say that we aren't as amazing as our instant-celebratory-Facebook-statuses make us out to be. Enjoy this day with your friends and families, but know that there are so many brilliant children across the world who deserve these awards and festivities and so so much more.
It is 100% true, we are successfully leaving our undergraduate lives behind and wearing our new hats, adding a few more weights on our shoulders. And we are pretty legit, but not yet Obamas or Ellens or Taylor Swifts. I don't think partying it up extra hard to celebrate that which seems to be a normal rite of passage in other countries is a measure of how much I value my education. What I do with my degree, how hard I work to make use of this degree--that, is how I'll show people that I value my education.
Dear Ego, I don't care if you're bruised...I don't have the time or energy to carry you on my shoulder anymore. Today, and forever, I just want to wear my heart on my sleeve as I climb up that ever-so-steep mountain. Climbing high and higher, but still trying desperately hard to stay close to earth.
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